December 13, 2007

9:46 PM

Made a couple of phone calls yesterday and the resulting conversations took the fight out of me for a moment. I learned that one of my legal issues is likely lost due to not being properly preserved. Because it was not appealed at the correct time future courts will refuse to hear it! There are other issues that may get my conviction overturned, but in this war every bullet is very important because you never know which one will produce a victory. My freedom/life is on the line and there is a real chance that I’ll never be free, which is death in my eyes because this situation I’m in is only existing – not living.

My attorney was apologizing for this and it didn’t help matters. It’s not totally her fault because I should’ve seen to it that the appeal continued, but my mind was so caught up in the possibility of being without lawyers and others bullshit. She had a very full plate and was even concerned with future employment. The courts have no sympathy for such things and the defendants bear the burden, so I’m upset with the courts and myself.

I also learned that my Christmas package won’t arrive until after the holidays, maybe January 10th. The company we must order the boxes from has two phases; order by November 30th and delivery will be by December 20th, order by December 31st and delivery will be by January 10th, someone ordered a portion of my package with my agreement and that caused the company to refuse the order I wanted, by the time they agreed to allow that person to order the rest it was too late. So my snacks, the only food box we are allowed each year, won’t arrive in time to assist with my Holiday Blues. Things could always be worse! This is obviously my year of lateness, even my Christmas cards will be delayed arriving at their destinations thanks to a slow artist and a lack of stamps. Better late than never – right. Next year will be my year of improvement!!

Happy New Year!

PEACE

December 11, 2007

11:44 PM

The lockdown was lifted today, much earlier than anticipated, and the rumors are close to the truth. There was an argument between two men and one threatened to write the other up. As the man who was threatened with the write up left to get his knife the other man left that spot where he was sitting. The victim sat in that exact spot and when the man returned he cut his throat without realizing he was attacking the wrong man. The perpetrator is a paranoid schizophrenic that wears glasses, without them he’s squinting all day and wasn’t wearing his glasses that evening.

Damn, to almost lose your life and not even be the intended victim. My mind never saw that coming and I should’ve at least known it was possible because it happens everyday outside of prison.

December 10, 2007

6 :57 PM

The rumors are flying about what happened and it’s too early to tell what’s true. The good news is that the victim is in stable condition, it’s said he died several times on the way to the hospital.

The riot team visited the Honor Dorm and I imagine it was to shakedown. This tactic was use as a show of force to instill team, the Doc’s most effective management tool.

December 9, 2007

8 :30 PM

Everyday is an adventure that must be survived and each day finds new victims. About two hours ago there was another senseless act of violence within the walls of the W.C. Holman Correctional facility, a man had his throat cut and stabbed several times, the outlook is bad. He was flown by helicopter to the emergency room in Mobile and an Officer just said these words, “Y’all know how to pray and need to pray hand”, when asked how he was.

This act of violence happened in the Honor Dorm. The Honor Dorm is under a faith based program that accepts or denies inmates after applications are submitted. It’s viewed as a community and there are lots of rules and benefits. Residents must attend classes and group sessions that put positive achievements in their prison jacket/file, stuff that can help them get out of prison and hopefully improve their thinking so they don’t return.

The warden created this at Holman, other prison had it long ago, and will be pissed and embraced that it happened there. He’s always holding the dorm and residents up as role models to the rest of us. The best things about the dorm are the certificates you can earn, the cleanliness, no double bunks, five TV’s, computers, their own library (books, music and movies) and CD players. The drawbacks are isolation from the rest of the prison, reduced personal time and they want you to snitch on others. They don’t only expect us to police each other’s behaviour but to write the inmates up and bring violations to their attention. Most inmates refuse to do that because it will ruin their standing with others and harm the violator by taking points from him or kicking him out.

December 7, 2007

7 :30 PM

Hello Friends,

It’s calmer than usual cause most of the inmates are off watching the DVD that we get every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Back in the day it was two videos per week and one more for major holidays, now it’s three per week and one or two more for holidays. There is on DVD/video player that’s controlled by an officer or death row inmate and every TV in the prison can pick it up, they are connected by a cable system. No, not “cable”! Just the same tools that feed eight channels, sometimes ten depending on the weather, to our televisions.

Viewing times are 6:00 pm and 11:00 pm on Friday and Saturday, 9:00 am Sunday and throughout the day the best ones will be replayed. I choose the late night to avoid the discomfort of sitting in a crowded TV room and on Sunday sit in the back of the dorm on a friends bunk to watch when the Sunday movie is replayed. Yes, I try to see every video that’s showed, the only other times I’m watching TV sports and the news. All they wanna watch are cop shows like CSI, NCSI, Prison Break, Cane and etc., the last thing I wanna see.

Speaking of that brings to mind how much I’m forced to still play cops and robbers. “Cops and Robbers” or “Cowboys and Indians” were childhood games and even then I didn’t wanna be the cops or cowboys. Perhaps an early indicator of being criminal minded? Anyway, due to the vast amount of archaic rules the Doc has for us to live under I’m having to avoid the police on such minor things. Which has me nothing the habits of the administration and the officers because I hate to make the same mistakes twice.

My violations are minuscule on the rector scale, but even being caught for them would mean I’ve not learned anything.

Prison should teach us a few things if common sense is present in our brains.
- Do not break the laws/rules
- Involve nobody in your business unless they are essential to the operation, chose him wisely.
- Learn from the mistakes of others in order not to get caught.
- Do not let your greed on another’s envy bring you down.
- If you cannot get away with breaking the rules you best not try.
- If they know about it they will talk about it!! Damn near everybody thinks they can trust one person, which is how secrets become rumors, rumors become gossip and gossip leads to investigations because rates come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
- Do not ever tell on yourself through words on actions.

Can I go without breaking the rules? Definitely. There isn’t a doubt in my mind because I realize what being a criminal has gotten me and how little I need to find happiness. A woman, good music and good food, that’s it. The reason I break rules now is I have little to lose and I hate to be denied whatever brief joys there are in here. Please keep in mind the type of rules I’m breaking ; eating twice so I can get extra French fries, not being clean shaved all the time, having too many sheets and clothes, and other things that I refuse to mention.

Going to read the newspaper and listen to the radio until it’s time to watch the movie.

December 5, 2007

12 :07 AM

Another blessing is that my mom and I have been getting along so well that it’s scary. Our love for one another is unquestionable, but we have bumped heads to much for our liking. Mom has even been visiting more often, I really appreciate that because it’s very hard to see your child in prison. My goal is to keep this going! Other blessings would include how I’m adjusting to dealing with those around me. Communal living is still extremely unpleasant but I’m getting better at attracting and repelling associates, making it easier to shrink my circle. As the riffraff is pushed aside those with morals, values and principles are revealed. Time management and distractions are constant issues; once I manage to overcome these problems other things will become easier. At least I’m now capable of finding conservations that are stimulating, next is to discover whose word is their bond. Another of life’s perpetual quest.

Before coming to prison no sport held my interest, unless kickball and cycling are considered. Chasing girls along with other mischief went perfectly with riding a bike around the Cities of Mobile and Prichard Alabama. Since as early as 1991 I’ve been in love with the sport of basketball, playing or watching it on TV at every available opportunity. Some years ago naming every NBA player, their colleges, salaries and stats could be done with ease. Now I struggle to keep up with who’s playing for who and no longer play. Anyone that knows me realizes the significance of that statement and my difficulty at arriving there.

The basketball season starts in the spring but I’ve already decided not to play. Why? It’s my best interest to stay off the basketball court before I end up in trouble. My attitude is fine; it’s my tolerance that’s running low. No longer can I deal with selfish teammates, bias referees and stupid coaches. Luckily I’m now capable of recognizing what’s on the horizon and will take a long break. Maybe I’ll play in 2009; in the meantime I’ll walk the track, jog, lift weights and hopefully heal from all those years of abusing my body.

December 3, 2007

6:30 AM

Since the shutdown there has not been any serious violence, just fights without knives. And the administration has finally started to transfer inmates to other prisons so that work can begin on the drainage problems. Before the work can begin, they must empty an entire dorm, 114 inmates. Besides the transfers they plan on adding bunks to the Honor Dorm, which already houses about 170, and using a vacant tier that near the row. Guys are actually excited to move into 5x8 feet cells with another inmate. Not me, it was too small living in that cell all those years alone and to add another stanky man would violate the constitution. Oh, the drainage problems can only be fixed by busting up the concrete floor and once that dorm is completed they must do the same thing to another dorm that’s across from it. Four dorms are “suppose” to be getting improvements (new) to the bathroom areas and I reckon it will all be completed sometime in 2011. State contractors are slow because they have no incentive to be speedy.

Since my last entry Alabama has had two executions stayed, Daniel Siebert and Thomas Author, thanks to a case that’s before the U.S. Supreme Court that will determine the constitutionality of lethal injection. Predicting how the justices will rule is impossible. But what makes me doubt they will rule in our favour is the fact that such a ruling could mean the end of capital punishment in America. Something they aren’t ready to end, killing the barbaric practice could reshape the entire justice and penal systems over the next 20 years. Even after the Supreme Court saved my life it’s still difficult to have faith they will do the right thing.

Blanketing the nation with stays as they have creates hope. A commodity that’s rare for all men, women and children confined within the penal institutions of America. Throughout the nation hope is everywhere thanks to the 2008 Presidential Election. Democrats believe it’s theirs for the taking and that has Republicans on pins and needles because everyone, even their base, knows they’ve f__cked up. Forget the daily, polls, the economic data indicates that Bush and ‘em have put the nation in a worst position than when King George’s reign begin.

I’d support whomever wins the Democratic Nomination, but my favorites are Dennis Kucinich and John Edwards. The others are okay, but I fear corporate moderates and love grassroots liberals!

Thanks to one of my attorneys believing in me she was able to convince her new law firm to accept my case. The new team includes four other lawyers that are currently getting familiar with my case and Alabama’s laws. There are some minor problems to work out but I can’t complain, many would love to have this blessing.

December 3, 2007

2 :47 Am

What guest am I on today? As scattered as my mind is I’m grateful that my pursuits all point to my overall goal. Of course, it’s freedom. What else is preventing my life from shifting gears into another stage? Which causes me to question myself and seeking ways to improve on flaws. Does the acceptance of some flaws mean I’ve settled on imperfections that could cause harm to progress? Having never been 35 years old before and not recalling my past lives, that’s if reincarnation occurs, this could be the “mid life crisis” I’ve heard about. But then again, life has never been satisfying.

Life inside drifts along at the pace of snail mail while outside fiber optics rule. To be as plugged into life as possible would overwhelm my senses, producing a high that’s sure to be worth the cost.

Something is causing me to question things deeper than before. Questions have opened up desires that have lain dormant for so long, too damn long. Love with a soulmate and children. My limited network and confinement could keep my zygote/seed from walking into the future. A beautiful woman I’ve known since the early 90’s has gotten married without me even knowing she was engaged. Although we have only been friends I know she would’ve born my child if my life was different, we would have grown old together. Deprivation has me seeking routes around every roadblock in my way. The Doc is only concerned with us smuggling in drugs through visitation, perhaps they need to stop my seed from reaching fertile soil if there existing blockade doesn’t keep she from me.

Would I actually do it? A deep one to ponder causer every choice has consequences. Could I stomach never being free with my child, that’s ever deeper. Men want to leave their mark behind and for me that desire is multiplied because of my past. Ending another man’s life is the worst thing I’ve done, a negative mark, and I need to leave only positive marks the rest of the way. Becoming a father in this current state would also be negative; I recognise that and cycle back to freedom.

Believe it or not, the last of Alabama’s 13 juveniles on death row has finally left the row. The U.S. Supreme Court ended the practice of killing juveniles for their actions on March 1, 2005, recognizing that maturity was further behind in development than previously thought, and it took all this time to go from death row to the general prison population. As he adjusts to his new life I’ll try to share with him what I’ve learned and hopefully it will help. Experience is the best teacher, but knowledge of what’s coming can assist us when walking our paths. There are six former juvenile death row inmates in population, so his adjustment should go smoother.