December 3, 2007

2 :47 Am

What guest am I on today? As scattered as my mind is I’m grateful that my pursuits all point to my overall goal. Of course, it’s freedom. What else is preventing my life from shifting gears into another stage? Which causes me to question myself and seeking ways to improve on flaws. Does the acceptance of some flaws mean I’ve settled on imperfections that could cause harm to progress? Having never been 35 years old before and not recalling my past lives, that’s if reincarnation occurs, this could be the “mid life crisis” I’ve heard about. But then again, life has never been satisfying.

Life inside drifts along at the pace of snail mail while outside fiber optics rule. To be as plugged into life as possible would overwhelm my senses, producing a high that’s sure to be worth the cost.

Something is causing me to question things deeper than before. Questions have opened up desires that have lain dormant for so long, too damn long. Love with a soulmate and children. My limited network and confinement could keep my zygote/seed from walking into the future. A beautiful woman I’ve known since the early 90’s has gotten married without me even knowing she was engaged. Although we have only been friends I know she would’ve born my child if my life was different, we would have grown old together. Deprivation has me seeking routes around every roadblock in my way. The Doc is only concerned with us smuggling in drugs through visitation, perhaps they need to stop my seed from reaching fertile soil if there existing blockade doesn’t keep she from me.

Would I actually do it? A deep one to ponder causer every choice has consequences. Could I stomach never being free with my child, that’s ever deeper. Men want to leave their mark behind and for me that desire is multiplied because of my past. Ending another man’s life is the worst thing I’ve done, a negative mark, and I need to leave only positive marks the rest of the way. Becoming a father in this current state would also be negative; I recognise that and cycle back to freedom.

Believe it or not, the last of Alabama’s 13 juveniles on death row has finally left the row. The U.S. Supreme Court ended the practice of killing juveniles for their actions on March 1, 2005, recognizing that maturity was further behind in development than previously thought, and it took all this time to go from death row to the general prison population. As he adjusts to his new life I’ll try to share with him what I’ve learned and hopefully it will help. Experience is the best teacher, but knowledge of what’s coming can assist us when walking our paths. There are six former juvenile death row inmates in population, so his adjustment should go smoother.