February 6, 2009

12:17AM

The most important change in my life is that I've been approved for the "leather shop" since November. The leather shop is part of the prison"s hobby craft program and is a room where we can make leather crafts. This opportunity to be able to help support myself is something I've wanted since leaving the row, death row's hobby craft program was ended in the mid 90's.

This has been one helluva learning experience for me, along with learning how to work leather I am learning more about myself and other people. A wise man warned me that nowhere else in the prison will you find a group of people like those in the leather shop. The wise man was 100% correct and hopefully I'll survive without too much damage as I chose independence.

The men there are all hustlers (not meant in the negative sense) and everyone chases the same marbles through various ways. I believe that a man can hustle (chase money) with morals and principles as well as without them, being cutthroat will produce quicker gains but has the disadvantage of making one short-sighted. How can a man with limited experience dealing with people, not to mention unscrupulous prisoners, manage to maintain his values while making gains? Honestly, I do not know.

The only thing that I know for sure is that I must learn all I can as quick as I can and get my equipment, tools and supplies. That puts me in a much better position when dealing with everyone cause I will be independent. Otherwise the hostlers want to hold you hostage by making it difficult for you to pursue your goals and will find ways to use you. Currently, I'm in exactly that situation because I've been dancing with a very crafty man.

This man had me snowed into thinking he was not crafty at all, the words, crafts and actions were all design to reel me in. Nobody pulled my coattails until recently and without the wise man's assistance I'd still be blind, thinking he was a stubborn and misguided man instead of whom he really is.

This man is one of the best craftmen in the leather shop and what he taught me in these months I'm grateful for. I stood side by side with a master as his apprentice and learned at a rapid pace, too bad our personalities and business objectives may not allow this relationship to last much longer. By no means am I ready for the relationship to end, only because I cannot fly yet.

To fly is the goal and to soar within the clouds. Such lofty goals and it will require patience, especially when I do not have what I need. A sewing machine will cost $500-$700, an air compresson $150-$200, airbrush $65, tools $300 and supplies another $600. Can I get my hands on at least $1.615? Hell no! But I will make it through this embryonic stage and become a man in the leather shop. A man with the same morals and principles that I arrived with.

I'll write an update much sooner than you think. I'm closing now only to ponder my next moves.

P.E.A.C.E.

February 5, 2009

2:26AM

Hello,

Chances are that you have not missed hearing from me and that's okay, but I have really missed sharing my thoughts and experiences with the world as if I matter. The gap in updating my blog was totally my doing, in fact my Little Sister (Claire) has been on me to write for the entire time.

Writing has always been enjoyable for me since I begun many years ago, it has not only helped me meet some very beautiful people and learn new things, but allowed me to release some of the pressure through venting that my life brings. Recently I've come to realize that "something" has been robbing me of my essence. Yes, I have several theories as to what that "something" is, but honestly it's still a mystery. Only fools or insane men can find true happiness in prison, being neither I have come to understand that I have always gone through each moment in a state of depression and misery. One day I'll know why things have attered me.

Am I the same man that I was on August 30, 2007 ? Hell No !! Nor the same man on February 22, 2006. Besides being older I'm much wiser thanks to the knowledge I've gained from being in population. Each phase in our lives will teach us something new, those long years in a one man cell taught me how to primarily function alone and to trust total strangers, now the lessons are just the opposite.

Going from that to functioning within a large group of people has tested me more than I foresaw. Please keep in mind that I've had my own room, cell and stuff most of my life and landing on death row so young has handicapped me by removing the opportunity to interact with so many people. Nearly everything I have learned about life was through reading, listening and observing. The last three years I have finally been able to learn through experiences.

Before being captured and caged I avoided most males and large groups of people, learning enough to avoid trouble and keep on moving. Prolonged engagement was rare and hindered my ability to socialize as I must now. Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm not talking about interacting with normal people in normal situations, but with skilled con men who do not want you to see whom they really are and even despse themselves. The conditions we face daily only adds to the difficulty of our encounters, nobody wants to be here. It's forced socialization.



1:26PM

The prison was lockdown most of the morning because there was a riot at another prison and several officers had to help settle things down, they serve on the riot team. What this was about won't be known for several months, usually when guys are transferred from the hot spot to other prisons, but the truth will be hard to detect.

Not much has changed in here! The faces have thanks to guys leaving through making parole, transfers and going to jail (segregation), but essentially the happenings within prison continue as they always have. Violence, shakedowns, dog searches and thousands of parasites living off each other until death or removal from hell.

W.C. Holman Correctional Facility was opened in 1969 and received the least amount of maintenance, just enough to get by. Our warden since 2001 has made improvements to the living conditions - but never with us in mind, security is the #1 priority and that includes keeping us from tearing this raggedy place up due to our disgust. He changed the lights to see us better, the locks to control movement, the fence to keep us on the island, cameras to spy on us, created the Honor Dorm for mind control and the staff in order to have his every desire followed, even the ones that defy common sense.

The shutdown that I discussed in August 2007 was what brought about the most recent changes. Three of the four dormitories that were in dreadful need of repairs have been completed and the fourth will be finished very soon. The style is based upon the Honor Dorm, the fifth dorm, and was done with security in mind because an officer can stand nearly anywhere and see everything in one glance. Bunk beds are gone and there are still 114 men in each dorm. This was achieved by not only reducing the space between the beds from about 36 inches to 24 inches but by placing beds side by side. Visualize this; Bed #1 and #2 are 24 inches apart. Bed #3 is directly next to #2 with a divider made of plywood 2 feet high and 3/4 inch thick. Bed #3 and #4 are 24 inches apart. Bed #5 is directly next to bed #4 with the plywood between them and so on.

Yes, the plywood prevents the staff from seeing everything, but if they can read body language they still can understand what's happening. Kinesics is how I'm able to walk into areas, large or small, and instantly know what's up and know how to carry myself. A skill I had to learn in order to avoid drama with so many personalities, it even amazes me how far I've come over the last three months.

Anyway, the shower and bathrooms are still in the front of the dorms. Instead of there being toilets and urinals on each side we have only 6 toilets and 6 sinks on one side with no urinals at all. And the showers are on the other side, 3 poles with 10 shower heads total. Every thing is wide open!

Oh, there are no longer any boxes on our beds or moveable wooden locker boxes. Our boxes are between our beds near the walls and are bolted to the bed frames, 4x2 feet with one side for each man. At least they added shelves .

December 13, 2007

9:46 PM

Made a couple of phone calls yesterday and the resulting conversations took the fight out of me for a moment. I learned that one of my legal issues is likely lost due to not being properly preserved. Because it was not appealed at the correct time future courts will refuse to hear it! There are other issues that may get my conviction overturned, but in this war every bullet is very important because you never know which one will produce a victory. My freedom/life is on the line and there is a real chance that I’ll never be free, which is death in my eyes because this situation I’m in is only existing – not living.

My attorney was apologizing for this and it didn’t help matters. It’s not totally her fault because I should’ve seen to it that the appeal continued, but my mind was so caught up in the possibility of being without lawyers and others bullshit. She had a very full plate and was even concerned with future employment. The courts have no sympathy for such things and the defendants bear the burden, so I’m upset with the courts and myself.

I also learned that my Christmas package won’t arrive until after the holidays, maybe January 10th. The company we must order the boxes from has two phases; order by November 30th and delivery will be by December 20th, order by December 31st and delivery will be by January 10th, someone ordered a portion of my package with my agreement and that caused the company to refuse the order I wanted, by the time they agreed to allow that person to order the rest it was too late. So my snacks, the only food box we are allowed each year, won’t arrive in time to assist with my Holiday Blues. Things could always be worse! This is obviously my year of lateness, even my Christmas cards will be delayed arriving at their destinations thanks to a slow artist and a lack of stamps. Better late than never – right. Next year will be my year of improvement!!

Happy New Year!

PEACE

December 11, 2007

11:44 PM

The lockdown was lifted today, much earlier than anticipated, and the rumors are close to the truth. There was an argument between two men and one threatened to write the other up. As the man who was threatened with the write up left to get his knife the other man left that spot where he was sitting. The victim sat in that exact spot and when the man returned he cut his throat without realizing he was attacking the wrong man. The perpetrator is a paranoid schizophrenic that wears glasses, without them he’s squinting all day and wasn’t wearing his glasses that evening.

Damn, to almost lose your life and not even be the intended victim. My mind never saw that coming and I should’ve at least known it was possible because it happens everyday outside of prison.

December 10, 2007

6 :57 PM

The rumors are flying about what happened and it’s too early to tell what’s true. The good news is that the victim is in stable condition, it’s said he died several times on the way to the hospital.

The riot team visited the Honor Dorm and I imagine it was to shakedown. This tactic was use as a show of force to instill team, the Doc’s most effective management tool.

December 9, 2007

8 :30 PM

Everyday is an adventure that must be survived and each day finds new victims. About two hours ago there was another senseless act of violence within the walls of the W.C. Holman Correctional facility, a man had his throat cut and stabbed several times, the outlook is bad. He was flown by helicopter to the emergency room in Mobile and an Officer just said these words, “Y’all know how to pray and need to pray hand”, when asked how he was.

This act of violence happened in the Honor Dorm. The Honor Dorm is under a faith based program that accepts or denies inmates after applications are submitted. It’s viewed as a community and there are lots of rules and benefits. Residents must attend classes and group sessions that put positive achievements in their prison jacket/file, stuff that can help them get out of prison and hopefully improve their thinking so they don’t return.

The warden created this at Holman, other prison had it long ago, and will be pissed and embraced that it happened there. He’s always holding the dorm and residents up as role models to the rest of us. The best things about the dorm are the certificates you can earn, the cleanliness, no double bunks, five TV’s, computers, their own library (books, music and movies) and CD players. The drawbacks are isolation from the rest of the prison, reduced personal time and they want you to snitch on others. They don’t only expect us to police each other’s behaviour but to write the inmates up and bring violations to their attention. Most inmates refuse to do that because it will ruin their standing with others and harm the violator by taking points from him or kicking him out.

December 7, 2007

7 :30 PM

Hello Friends,

It’s calmer than usual cause most of the inmates are off watching the DVD that we get every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Back in the day it was two videos per week and one more for major holidays, now it’s three per week and one or two more for holidays. There is on DVD/video player that’s controlled by an officer or death row inmate and every TV in the prison can pick it up, they are connected by a cable system. No, not “cable”! Just the same tools that feed eight channels, sometimes ten depending on the weather, to our televisions.

Viewing times are 6:00 pm and 11:00 pm on Friday and Saturday, 9:00 am Sunday and throughout the day the best ones will be replayed. I choose the late night to avoid the discomfort of sitting in a crowded TV room and on Sunday sit in the back of the dorm on a friends bunk to watch when the Sunday movie is replayed. Yes, I try to see every video that’s showed, the only other times I’m watching TV sports and the news. All they wanna watch are cop shows like CSI, NCSI, Prison Break, Cane and etc., the last thing I wanna see.

Speaking of that brings to mind how much I’m forced to still play cops and robbers. “Cops and Robbers” or “Cowboys and Indians” were childhood games and even then I didn’t wanna be the cops or cowboys. Perhaps an early indicator of being criminal minded? Anyway, due to the vast amount of archaic rules the Doc has for us to live under I’m having to avoid the police on such minor things. Which has me nothing the habits of the administration and the officers because I hate to make the same mistakes twice.

My violations are minuscule on the rector scale, but even being caught for them would mean I’ve not learned anything.

Prison should teach us a few things if common sense is present in our brains.
- Do not break the laws/rules
- Involve nobody in your business unless they are essential to the operation, chose him wisely.
- Learn from the mistakes of others in order not to get caught.
- Do not let your greed on another’s envy bring you down.
- If you cannot get away with breaking the rules you best not try.
- If they know about it they will talk about it!! Damn near everybody thinks they can trust one person, which is how secrets become rumors, rumors become gossip and gossip leads to investigations because rates come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
- Do not ever tell on yourself through words on actions.

Can I go without breaking the rules? Definitely. There isn’t a doubt in my mind because I realize what being a criminal has gotten me and how little I need to find happiness. A woman, good music and good food, that’s it. The reason I break rules now is I have little to lose and I hate to be denied whatever brief joys there are in here. Please keep in mind the type of rules I’m breaking ; eating twice so I can get extra French fries, not being clean shaved all the time, having too many sheets and clothes, and other things that I refuse to mention.

Going to read the newspaper and listen to the radio until it’s time to watch the movie.